Barriers Against Practising Real Love (2)Barriers Against Practising Real Love (2)Last week, we started a discourse on this page on the above topic. We looked at the first barrier. Here is the concluding part of the gist. I am sure many of the readers of this column would have taken cognisance of certain facts in their relationships and know where they have gone wrong in their love lives.
As is usual with this column, we are concerned with ensuring that readers of this column improve in their love lives and enjoy enduring and long lasting relationships with the opposite sex.
Another major barrier or impediment to enjoying and or playing real love is that internal small voice. It may be real or imaginary, but it is always there, either helping you or creating problems for you.
Barrier #2: Your Internal Voice
You yourself are the greatest barrier to getting the love you desire.
"How can that be?" you ask me. "I go out, I meet guys/girls, I date. I'm not doing anything to push guys/girls away."
That could be true to certain extent, no doubt.
But if you're like most women/men, you've got an internal voice that keeps...
*telling you that you're not pretty/handsome enough,
*worrying you that he/she doesn't like you enough,
*you wondering what he/she's really thinking,
*bringing up every past mistake,
*fearing that you'll always be single,
* you doubting that you have what it takes to find true love.
That voice is the single biggest reason that most women/men don't find the success they're looking for in relationships.
If you think negatively about yourself, others will pick up on your negativity and respond by mirroring your negative self-perception. In other words, people will think about you in the same way that you think about yourself.
I've heard so many men/women talk about how much they dislike it when their partners point out their body flaws. "She's beautiful," one man said. "But she's always telling me how much she hates her butt. I don't see anything wrong with it at least, I didn't until she brought it up but now I feel like I have to agree with her just to keep her from going on about it."
If you often talk about how you haven't been able to get a man/woman because you're divorced/have children/are too old, then people around you will start seeing you as someone who can't get a man/woman. You'll have earned an identity as that person who never gets a date, and the only person to blame is yourself.
Words can be poison, so watch them. For one week, try to put into practice this version of the old saying:
If you can't say something nice about yourself, don't say anything at all.
Give yourself a break. Even if you're having a bad hair day, or a fat day, or whatever, don't say anything about it - either to others or yourself. If you have to avoid looking in mirrors, do so. Forgive yourself for not being at tip-top shape. Do whatever it takes to feel okay with how you're feeling and looking right now.
One technique that I use when I'm feeling less than my best is taking a quick read of the international news. Just reading a few articles about the difficult conditions in other parts of the world that suffer from war and famine makes me realize what a minor thing my own annoyances actually are.
Don't just give yourself a break: also forgive yourself for not being perfect. Women especially, put higher expectations on themselves than anyone else puts on them. I read an article in a magazine that stated that while women tend to compare their looks against the appearance of models in magazines, men tend to compare women's looks against other women's. In other words, if anyone is comparing you, it's against the girl next door not against supermodels.
(And, by the same token, forgive others for not being flawless as well. The girl that all your friends mock for being "fat" or poorly dressed is wonderful and lovably perfect, just as you are.)
If you truly start looking at the men/women around you, you'll realize how many shapes and sizes and colors we come in. Whereas magazine models all tend to look the same, real men/women have much more variation. I will bet that if you can take an honest look at yourself from the perspective of the men/women around you, you'll realize that your looks aren't flawed at all: they're what makes you uniquely you.
When someone gives you a compliment, accept it with a "thank you." Learn to accept tokens of appreciation and gratitude with grace.
When you allow others to value you, they see you as valuable. When you allow others to compliment you, they see you as beautiful. It is amazing how our ability to accept the positive opinion others have of us actually REINFORCES that positive opinion. Think about it if you're always complimenting someone who deflects those compliments back, then you start to get the feeling that perhaps the person wasn't worthy of the compliment after all.
The voice in your head is just as bad as your voice out loud. For example, when you're on a date, you may make sure that everything you say is positive and light-hearted, but if you're worrying in your mind about whether he/she's enjoying himself/herself, whether he/she'll ask you out again, or whether he/she thinks that you're what he/she expected, you'll communicate that insecurity to him/her.
Our thoughts are not as private as they may seem. Our thoughts affect the tone of our voice and our body language. Our partners can pick up on these subliminal signals.
It may seem strange to make a concerted effort to think positive thoughts. We're used to allowing ourselves to think whatever crosses through our mind. Yet unless you stop thinking in negative ways about yourself, or worrying so much, or doubting your future, you'll keep finding that bad patterns keep getting repeated. Even if you don't feel good about yourself, you can at least stop bringing yourself down with critical thoughts.
Self-love is a prerequisite for getting the love you deserve. As you develop a deeper sense of love in yourself for all your wonderful, quirky flaws, you'll be amazed to see that the love in your heart is reflected in others. Why? Well, a woman/man who loves herself/himself doesn't have to hurt, hate, or put down others to make herself/himself feel good. A woman/man who accepts herself/himself for who SHE/HE is also accepts others for who THEY are. Loving thoughts are like a perfume that draws others to you.
Now you have what keeps you from enjoying a wonderful relationships like other people you see everyday at work, on your church, at home and elsewhere.
Wont you rather take a critical look at yourself and make necessary amends? The ball is in your court.
What is your take? Put yourself on a scale and see what you weigh? May be you disagree with this opinion, or you want to add to this, drop me a line. Next week we will take a look at something very important. What is it? I want to keep you guessing!
Until then, don't forget to share your thoughts and experiences with us on this page. Keep practising real love and remain blessed.
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