You, Your Spouse And MoneyYou, Your Spouse And MoneyTaiye and Gbemi often quarrel about money. They are both self-employed but when anything about money comes up, there is always tension to the extent that they fight and say unprintable things to each other.
Gbemi feels that Taiye is the head of the family, so he should bear all the family responsibilities. Taiye on the other hand, would feel that since his wife earns a living, he sees no reason why she should not contribute to the upkeep of the family. This attitude of theirs nearly cost them the life of their only daughter and child because when the child fell sick, Gbemi wanted Taiye to buy drugs for the child while Taiye was waiting for Gbemi to take care of the child and foot the medical bill. While they turn a blind eye to the sick child, it took the intervention of neighbours before Gbemi had to grudgingly buy drugs for the child.
Gbemi and Taiye are not the only occupy be that have such financial challenge. Most fight over money. Nurturing your love through money entails more than buying each other gifts. It entails nurturing your life vision, creating what you both need to function at your optimum, without overpowering yourself with obsessions and useless desires. Nothing has more symbolic meaning than money. Money is power, control, self-worth, partner can do for the other. There is no there other issue in a relationship, besides sex, has the ability to foster greater growth and understanding or wreak havoc and cause heartbreak.
What money means in a relationship:
* You are willing to cultivate a conscious relationship with money together.
* It means you are willing to give enough time and energy to your money life, neither ignoring it nor making it the centre of your life.
* It means becoming present, knowing what enough is, knowing what your goals are and becoming aware if they are hurting or helping your love.
Understanding how money affects your relationship
To understand how money is affecting your love, it is vital to first understand your beliefs about money by truthfully answering the following questions:
* What is money?
* When you were a child, how do you see money?
*As a child, did you think you were rich, middle class or poor?
*How does that affect your feelings about money?
* What do you think money means to your spouse?
*When you fight with your spouse about money, you are trying to say something. What is it?
*What would you do to improve the money relationship with your partner?
* What is your greatest fear about money?
* If you had all the money you wanted, how would your life be different?
* What would the loss o f a job or of our savings to our relationship?
* What financial set backs have your experienced?
* What financial successes have you experienced?
* Have these experiences altered the way you deal with money now?
* How do you define economic power?
* If you were to respect your partners attitude to spending as much as you do your own, what would you do?
* If you were to respect your partner’s attitude to saving as much as you do your own, what would you do?
Don't attempt answering these questions after your fight over money. It is a practical exercise meant for when you are in a happy mood. The questions are for both parties to answer. Be supportive. Listen to his/her answers and discuss what you have learnt. The information you gain can throw light on many of your conflicts about money, because our basic conflict is almost always about style and fear—what we have learnt as children and what negative experiences we have had as adults. Come to a compromise from what you have learnt from each other and let the fight over money stop.
Tips that will help improve money relationship
There is no right way to deal with money in a relationship. Find out what works for you and stick to it.
1. Keep track of every money that goes in and out of your life for one month. At the end of the month, sit down with your note books, receipts and piece of paper (A4 size). Across the top, write categories like medical care, rent, household item, gas, car repairs etc. Once you have done that, fill in each with the amounts spent over the last month. Go through each category and ask yourself, “How can I change my spending habits in this category to receive more satisfaction?” If your answer is ‘yes’, keep spending the same amount for money in that category. Make adjustment where necessary as you do this exercise. You can still repeat the process for several months.
2.Decide what you material goods you really want. Before making any purchase, ask yourself, “Do I really, honestly, truly need this?”
3.Find other ways of being happy. Discover other ways of making yourself happy, besides spending. This is not to say spending on each other is not good. Compose a list of things you like to do together and alone, that give your lives meaning, things that have as little as possible to do with money. When the urge to spend money on something that you realise doesn't give you satisfaction, you can turn to your list of meaningful pleasures and enjoy one of those instead.
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